January 17, 2019


Inner beauty my foot, we don’t have X-rays


Look good people, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with thinking you’re beautiful, but it becomes a seriously cosmetically challenging problem when you’re the direct opposite of beautiful.

I mean really, why in Hades does Thembi think she’s all that. I mean look at her, kore just look her. Girl, kore the way o le mobe ka teng, you look like an angry hippopotamus about to charge.

Girl, you give a whole new meaning to the world ‘ugly’. Batho ba modimo! And don’t you even for a second think of telling us you have inner beauty coz we don’t go around carrying X-ray machines.

theweekly2111In fact, if it’s any consolation to you, you are a beauty queen without beauty. You need to take a leaf out of my book. I’m not boasting, but kea tseba ke motle and I have class. You would swear I have a personal stylist, but if you’ve got it, you’ve got it. I can do an extreme make-over on you, free of charge. So just hala me.

So this gargantuan kitchen owner who looks like he’s swallowed a whole cow decided to tell my colleague to go to hell for no apparent reason. Look darling, my colleague has far more better things to do with his time than to talk to the likes of you, let alone look at your fat behind. And please next time you go shopping, make sure you get the right size and stop wearing little ass clothes.

Damn! One would swear you’ve borrowed them. Plaas-jappie ya Tromsburg! And if you thought you could for one second rain on his parade, I have news for you: he has been to hell and the only reason he’s back is because he saw a sign that read ‘OBESE KITCHEN OWNERS ONLY’. And, oh by the way, you need to hit the gym and get rid of all that flab. We girls like our men fit, trim and toned.

So, bored to death, moi decided to pop in at The Thou’ts to see what the place had in store for me and man, was Show D on fire; absolute tight set from one of Bloem’s top DJs. Now that’s how you prove your haters wrong, not that I am one of them. Next time we meet, don’t be shy to ask for my number.

So, you mean to tell me you can afford a Rolex watch while you driving around in a washed up Tazz which is converted into taxi at night. Do you really, like seriously really want us to believe that’s a real Rolex? Dude, uthatha machance yaz. Tjo, o joke of the year shame.

Okay, our very own Vin Diesel was looking fresh hleng, not forgetting sober. I must say the brother is still handsome as hell. And his swag, still on point. I wonder if it would be such a bad idea rolling in the hay with you *hides*. Nice seeing you after all these years, phela I thought you had left us.

Iyo, DJ Hunter is still the king of the dance floor, pity he can’t do the same on the decks. But such is life, you can’t be a master of all trades I guess. But DJ Hlokoza’s fashion sense though, ache! Okay, somethings are beyond my understanding and this is certainly one of them.

Now, wena cabinet minister’s daughter, we are watching you. Girl I see you’ve now turned coke sniffing into a sport, so much so that you can’t help but do a few lines on carbonate in the parking lot. You know what we call people like you? Junkies, yes you guessed right. Sies! Some skanks give us sisters a bad name.
By the look of things, DJ Lovers’ ex will never recover from that relationship, good people and that’s all I’m gonna say about that one. Life neh!

Off to Cappello I was, for the Sunday Sessions and I must say the service at this place is super amazing, one of the reasons I love this place, not to mention handsome men who look ever so yummy. Those ba mekhaba excluded of course.

Well, I see Lucky D has no intention of getting taller, that much I’ve accepted but his music selection is super tall (you what I mean).

Kahle kahle what’s with this Thembi and the middle finger? Girl, my colleague is not the one who said Tiger should reject you. He had absolutely nothing to do with it but who can blame the brother when you’re busy wearing panties that look like you borrowed them from your two-year old daughter. I mean really Thembi hle. *claps hands* Le wena you give us ladies a bad name, maan. I so wish the fashion police arrest you for abusing kids’ underwear.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Rato, those guys were not looking at you but your open legs and whatever was between them.

Didn’t your mother teach you to sit like a lady? Please Cappello, is not Dinaweng. Go to Dinaweng if you feel an irresistible urge to advertise your wares like that. And FYI, there’s nothing to write home about as far as you are concerned, ausi. Sorry hey!

Wena, Treasury, you should learn to take it easy and, most importantly, go home when you’ve run out of cash instead of subjecting yourself to such embarrassment. Free advice buti!
And then DJ Waxxx pulls another disappearing act on all of us again. Mxm
Okay good people let me love and leave you all in the name of the Almighty. Until next time, love and peace!!!!

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